Have you ever done something wrong? Questioned your life’s merits and comforted yourself with “it won’t matter in real life?” Well, unfortunately for you, it will—and it’s too late. Many of the choices you have already made in high school and even before (remember the HSPT?) will have significant ramifications in the future. As seasoned high schoolers who have seen what lies beyond for us all, we have come together to assist you in your self-reckoning. 

To comprehend the subtext of the rest of the truths, you must first comprehend the Ultimate Truth:

The human who makes no errors throughout their time in high school will be rewarded with a lifetime of exponential prosperity, joy, and fulfillment. Yet, if one errs, the imperfections in each action or decision made will set in motion a chain reaction of fractures in all aspects of joy and hope throughout life whose magnitude will increase exponentially until death.

The Grades Truth: The grades you receive in high school will dictate the grade of human you will be in that discipline. Grades are assigned by very practiced adults in each field to systematically provide a number that indicates your quality in this realm—and they know what they’re talking about. If you’re assigned a B in Math, your day-to-day calculations will forever be slightly incorrect, no matter how much you try to overcome it. Got a B in English? You’ll never say anything meaningful or properly communicate yourself from this breath until your last. And, if you managed to get a B in religion, God will not forget and He will eternally know you as a B-grade disciple. Feel a little calmer now? 

If not, here are some suggestions:

• Sell your soul and sleep, at most, four hours per night, studying until your notes become your pillow. 
• Accept your fate and jump into the pool—oh wait, you won’t have one.

The Genetic Truth: The SAT is hereditary. Your scores will be genetically passed down to all of your descendants, so if you screw this up, your whole bloodline is cursed until the system changes (spoiler: it won’t). But wait, before you blame your parents, let’s be clear—it’s all your fault. As SAT score inflation continues over time, your 1400 will surely ruin your bloodline’s chances at a prestigious university (and therefore any significant success in life at all). If you ace it, however, you’re basically the Moses of your bloodline. So yes, you might wanna go study.

Solutions if you don’t:

• Don’t have kids

The Collegiate Truth: Angelica Schuyler once said, “you will never be satisfied.” Ever pondered major after major and felt like none were the right fit? Pat yourself on the back, because you saw something coming for once. If you think you will enjoy your major, think again. Every couple of years, you are foreordained to lose all interest in your chosen subject, and the cycle perpetuates. Unfortunately, time isn’t as infinite as your soon-to-be college debt, and you will eventually be forced to finish out your schooling and move on. Good luck in a job you will forever be five-sevenths qualified for. 

Solutions:

• Marry rich (that’s the person with the 1600; chase them now)
• Become a transcendentalist and work diligently to undo your 18 prior years of education
• There’s always real estate

The Loving Truth: Have you ever wondered, “How the frih do I find luh?” High school love is a sheer and domineering face that so many have painfully tried to ascend. Sure, innumerable people may offer you some tips, but, simply put, the extent to which your timbers shall shiver is akin to a test where the period before you say, “don’t study, just pray.” The experience plays out a little differently for everybody, and, as you’ll be glad to find out, foreshadows your romantic success in the future. So listen to Aristotle: “lock in twin.” Harder than the SAT, and ultimately more influential for your bloodline, finding true love in high school might be the real test of life aptitude (sorry, there’s no curve). 

Potential coping mechanisms:

• Appreciate the entire blanket (It’s all yours, forever)
• Commence your journey to the Papacy
• Nickelback?