Ahhh, yes. The Louvre. The grand palace of art and history in Paris, that was recently the scene of a heist. In broad daylight, on an unsuspecting Sunday morning, thieves dressed up like construction workers, smashed a few windows, and voilà! In just seven minutes, they made off with eight of France’s priceless crown jewels, valued at around $102 million.

I know what you’re thinking. You want to pull off a heist like that. After all, seven minutes is nothing! Well, lucky you—I’ve spent years perfecting the art. Allow me, then, as a rather sophisticated retiree if I do say so myself, to offer a few observations on how you can become the new criminal stars of this generation.

1. Know your audience. The audience today is less interested in the trinket itself than the story you steal it with. Give the press a trail to nibble on, to muse about, something people will talk about all day long. Your grand exit should be followed by applause, at least a few fainting ladies, and many, many headlines. 
2. Be bombastic and unapologetically yourself. You need a persona, a signature gesture, that transforms you into the modern Robin Hood. After all, thievery is art, not money. Just like a famous painting, a heist holds no value if the artist has no reputation. Drop a pose, a few crumbs of personality here and there, maybe some empress’s crown, and keep them guessing. String them along with your narrative, and they will make movies about you.
3. Be good-looking, and you are halfway to being forgiven. An expression of “nonchalance” makes you “photogenic”; “photogenic” makes you “charismatic”; and “charismatic” makes you a work of art. Catch the eye of the Internet with your mugshot, diamond-sharp jawline, dazzling eyes; instead of landing in jail, you might just snag a cushy modeling job. 
4. Performative benevolence is the accessory du jour. Treat the guards kindly. After all, jobs are turbulent these days and employers can be unpleasant at best.Just a small sign of humanity in their bleak lives—nothing but a polite greeting, friendly wink, casual “oui, oui, mon ami”—will make them fall head over heels for you. The tabloids will turn from calling you a “criminal” to a “charmer.”
5. Lean into your contradictions. They expect a hooligan, not a gentleman. Be nonchalant, but also earnest. Commit the perfect offense, and compose a polite, artistic apology. Worst case, they idealize you as a romantic with bad taste—which, in our current society, passes easily as a compliment.

   

So there you have it. Follow these steps, and you’ll be leagues ahead of your peers who still believe success lies in “meticulous” planning. As Hamlet once said while stealing the hearts of impressionable girls, “Though this be madness, yet there is method in’t.”

The true method is not in stealing the jewels, but stealing hearts. Now go forth and practice your signature wink, perfect your dramatic cloak swish, and remember, if you can’t steal the treasure, you can always steal the spotlight.