California is the most diverse state in the nation. This is certainly a benefit, but it also can make it more difficult for us to connect with each other on the things we have in common. Hence, it’s truly refreshing to see seemingly every person in California own a pastel-colored, lead-containing, $45.00 water bottle: the Stanley Cup.
No matter how many Stanley Cups you own, the unique concept and design of each cup make them all stand out. There is a Stanley for everyone and anyone. Why not try the sleek Shale shade to match those Monday morning blues, or the classic Cream for my sad-beige, neutral girlies? And, of course, we can’t forget about the many collaborations the Stanley Cup company has had with multiple franchises. How do you choose between the Starbucks-themed hot pink Stanley with a clear straw or the Wicked movie Glinda-themed cup, which is the exact same hot pink but with a matching pink straw? The answer: just buy both. Best $90 you’ll ever spend!
The best products are the excessively expensive ones, and this is certainly true for Stanleys. With a stainless-steel barrier, there is only one thing that can pass through this cup effortlessly: fluids. Don’t worry: the cup only leaks if it’s not standing perfectly upright and if it’s not on a Victorian-era vintage table. The phrase “beauty is pain” applies to every aspect of life, from high heels to hair and now, to water bottles. Indeed, there is nothing more beautiful than sacrificing money, personal style, and dismissing the option of a flask that actually holds your drink to join a trend.
Another benefit of the Stanley is that the cups are known to keep ice frozen for up to eleven hours. This amazing innovation was accomplished by the addition of lead to the bottom of the cup. Research director Jane Houlihan wrote a review on Stanley cups saying, “If the cup stays intact, there’s likely no lead exposure risk for consumers. But if that bottom seal comes off, all bets are off.” As long as the seal isn’t scratched and remains perfectly intact, consumers don’t have to worry about lead poisoning in their water. So as long as your Stanley is given some superstar treatment by never dropping it, scratching it, or turning it upside down, your safety is guaranteed! Or better yet; just don’t touch the cup at all.
If you’re still having doubts about making your purchase, just don’t be! Remember that carrying a Stanley Cup is an instant boost to your reputation. Our society has luxury clothing and luxury cars, why not add luxury water bottles to the list?
Parents have reported that their children have been bullied at schools for not having Stanley cups, but not to fear; there is an easy solution for this. Simply camp outside of your local Target for six hours overnight and rush inside once the store opens. Chances are there’ll be others just like yourself waiting restlessly, so you’ll have to propel yourself forward through the crowd and respectfully strangle someone to get your prized Stanley Cup, like the people in Chicago and LA. It may sound brutal at first, but the Stanley Cup isn’t just your average, unassuming water bottle. It’s a symbol of status, a lifestyle, a ticket to the top, and we must do everything in our power to maintain its glory.
So the next time you decide to shop at Target, Kohls, or Walmart, don’t be ashamed by the recent propaganda against Stanley Cups and their manufacturing inquiries, rise up with your fellow suburban neighbors to prevent this madness from spreading. The glorious Stanley Cups should not be a fad that fades. In fact, the coming generations should keep the legacy alive for centuries to come. As people shout with their hearts on their sleeve, WE LOVE STANLEY CUPS!